Rantings and Ravings

alright… so check this out..

I was the breakfast cook onboard a passenger ship.. not saying wich one! as a breakfast cook, I make breakfast for the crew, cafeteria and a breakfast buffét.. don´t know excactly how many seats but it seats a couple of hundreds..

we had been to Iceland.. it was nice and quiet on the way up and home to the Faroe Islands again.. and then we went to Denmark.. there was alot of poeple in the buffét.. but no drama.. faroese and danish people eat moderate amounts of breakfast. but on the way back to the Faroe Islands! now THAT is an entirely different story! here it goes..

I saw one bus full of Norwegian schoolchildren drive onboard the ship… and then 3 busses filled with retired Germans! I started sweating.. it was hot outside and I had smoked 3 cigarettes already.. my hands were shaking as I poked around in my shirtpocket trying to find my Zippo to light my 4th cigarette.. I knew this was gonna get ugly..

the next morning I went to work as usual.. and I guessed that 3 busses with retired german would be aproximately 170 people.. and I have made bufféts for 2700 people before.. well.. not alone off course! 3 highly proffessional cooks did most prep work.. I take my hat off in their honour.. *taking imaginary hat off* .. so I thought that 170 or so Germans would be a walk in the park! think again smart-ass! the buffét started at 0700 hours, and I was finished setting everything up at 0630.. so I went for a small break.. some cocktail weeners and a cup of coffee and then a cigarette… enjoying the beautiful sunrise out on the sea.. and just before 7 o´clock I went to the galley to have a look at things.. the Commodores were playing in the stereo.. with the song “Easy like a sunday morning” ironically.. it WAS sunday morning.. oh, little did I know! I opened the door into the buffét and WHAM! I had never before seen anything like this! if you have ever played “worms” and seen that little exploding grandma, and can imagine 200 of then feverishly clinging on everything that is steady in the buffét (the ship was a tad unsteady) whilst trying to juggle their cup of coffee and plate with breakfast through the moetley crew of retired germans, cranky norwegian schoolchildren and confused danish and faroese people, then you would have seen what I saw… and that´s when the picture of the confused red/black haired, swimsuit-wearing, leg shaving and cat molesting young man, came to mind.. WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CAN NOT BE UNSEEN!  oh heavens.. I was not ready for a massacre of this caliber! I had made, what I thought at least, plenty of everything… but it was not enough! I rushed back into the galley and stumbled my way to the elevator and went down to the stores on deck 2! I grabbed whatever I could carry, so I could feed these creatures! as I got up to the galley on deck 6 again, a waitress came waltzing in…just out of bed.. she asked if there were many people in the buffét.. I was standing there with about 30kg of breakfast goods placed strategically on my body.. pouring sweat.. and she asked why I was sweating.. her math-doing part of her brain was obviously not in function at this unholy hour.. so I told her…”nah..not really” and smirked! she continued into the buffét.. and was immediately attacked by 4 german grannies and 2 Luger-wearing Himmler lookalikes, asking “whehreh is zie cuffeee! we wantz cuffeee in zie morningz! iz diz nicht normaal?? iz der nicht meer cuffeee on thiz ship?” and she gave me the look of a person wanting to climb a church tower… hehehe.. I had to keep MY mood high.. so I did what was necessary.. sometimes it demanded a sacrifice of another human being… but I didn´t care..

I heard the lowtone “ding” of the elevator.. and a guy working in the cafeteria came by for a chit chat.. because he was bored..! bad timing, I tell ya…bad timing..

apparently ALL the germans desided to rob the buffét and leave the cafeteria till I was off shift! I could hear them in my mind..

German Team Fuhrer: “alright! here iz zie plahn! we go to ze buffét.. and bring BAGS!”

German Buffét Raider No1: “seeehr guht idé, fuhrer!”

German Team Fuhrer: “jah, ich know.. haha.. we waaait till ze buffét opens.. and NOBODY goez to ze cafeteria! iz diz klear?”

German Buffét Raiders: “Da, Fuhrer! Heil Fuhrer!”

German Team Fuhrer: “very guht.. nao…ze time iz.. zeven! ACHTUNG! Essen, schnell! essen!!”

German Buffét Raiders: “om nom nom nom nom nom”

German Team Fuhrer: “Zilenzia! Zie Buffét cook iz here.. be normal und old!”

German Buffét Raiders: “iz diz cream for zie coffee, maine darling cook?”

Little Knowing Me: “yes, ma´m”

bah… fucking germans… they ate more than 600 faroese and danish people do! I had to call for back-up.. dialled four digits.. (onboard phone network) doot… doot.. doo*click*

Chef Manager: “mpfhello..?”

Me: “I need back-up! we have Germans in the buffét! I repeat! GERMANS!”

Chef Manager: “såforsatan! I will call in the troops!” *click*

and 2 minutes after I had 6 Polish A La Carte cooks and the Souz Chef and a Slovac at my service! badabing badabum! we squeesed 2 hours of work down to 20 minutes! and the Germans were defeated.. A small victory for me.. but a big victory for cooks nationwide!

I bow for the heroes we lost..

ze Panda..

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